Dogs in Bed: Why I Sleep on 6 Inches of Mattress While My Irish Setter Lives Like a Tsar
At some point in every dog owner’s life, a critical question arises — a question that separates the strong from the sleep-deprived: “Should I let my dog sleep in bed with me?” To which the only honest answer is: “You don’t let them. You lost that battle the moment you said, ‘Who’s a good boy?’ in a baby voice.”
Let’s be clear: dogs don’t ask to sleep in your bed. They arrive. Like a fuzzy Viking invader. One moment you’re adjusting your pillows, the next, there’s a 70-pound lab muttering in his sleep and kicking you in the ribs like he’s in a dream karate tournament.
And yet — we love it.
Sure, it starts out wholesome. You say, “Just tonight, because it’s cold.” The next thing you know, it’s July, you’re sweating through your sheets, and your dachshund is curled up on your pillow like a Victorian heiress with consumption.
The Logistics of Bed Occupation
People without dogs imagine a human-sized rectangle with plenty of space. People with dogs know the truth: that bed is a complicated political map. There’s the Territory of Footrest, currently occupied by a bulldog who refuses to move. The Neutral Zone of Blanket, which belongs to no one and everyone. And the Upper Pillow Region, which your Pomeranian has claimed as their ancestral homeland.
You? You’re clinging to the mattress edge like a mountain goat on a ledge, trying not to wake your canine companion because “they looked so peaceful.” Meanwhile, your spine is shaped like a lightning bolt and your leg’s asleep. But heaven forbid you roll over and disturb His Royal Floofness.
Sleep Quality: Declining Since the Day You Got a Dog
Sleep scientists say you need 7–9 hours of uninterrupted rest for optimal health. Dog owners say, “Cool, I got four hours of sleep, woke up twice to the sound of licking, and am 90% sure I dreamt about a squeaky toy.”
Every dog has a signature sleep move. Some go for the donut curl (adorable, deceptively space-consuming). Others prefer the full sprawl, claiming diagonal ownership of the mattress. And then there’s the crotch collapse, where they sleep directly across your legs so moving would require a forklift or divine intervention.
Hygiene? Never Heard of It
Ah yes, the part where we all pretend it’s fine that this creature spent the day rolling in something mysterious at the park and is now spooning you with their rawhide-scented breath. You could change the sheets, or you could accept the fact that your bedding is now 30% dog hair and 70% questionable decisions.
Why We Keep Doing It
Because, deep down, we love these bed-hogging weirdos more than life itself. Because when your dog sighs in their sleep and gently touches your leg with one paw, your heart melts into a gooey puddle and you whisper, “You can have the whole bed, buddy.”
Dogs in bed may be a recipe for restless nights, but they’re also a nightly reminder that no matter how stressful your day was, someone thinks lying next to you is the best part of theirs.
Even if that someone is currently snoring louder than a chainsaw and farting in their sleep.
